so i gave up. crashed out after about 3pm for a few hours with the help of a fistful of codeine two valium and half a bottle of nyquil. for all intents and puropses i should be dead now yet i managed only a meager five hours of rest before waking up and having another blowout with samantha. the knowledge my current behavior is pointless isnt doing much to dissuade me. i'm leaving as soon as i have the finances in place to grab a oneway greyhound ticket to somewhere. everything is my fault but i can cling to distance making everything ok like a fucking talisman.