|cant go home.
||[01 Jan 2003|06:23pm]
sitting in samanthas house, listening to horribly *pretentious* [or so the critics say] music and generally feeling rather stagnant. what else is new.
shes gone to the supermart to get tea with cara who i'm starting to think will NEVER FUCKING LEAVE... my plans for the day are already shot since it's a "holiday" and everything closed about a half-hour ago.
i'm getting sick of typing in this thing.
fuck you and your holidays.
|waste of my time.
||[31 Dec 2002|12:20am]
1. NAME: matthew// abyss [blackmetal alter ego]
2. WHO WERE YOU NAMED AFTER: dont ask
3. SCHOOL: laziness.
4. MASCOT: the couch i sleep on.
5. NICKNAME: abyss.
6. BIRTHDAY: nov 09
7. ZODIAC SIGN: scorpion
8. GRADE: highschool dropout/ graduate... way too long a story to explain.
9. GPA: i was an *A* student.
12. SHOE SIZE: 13 and a half.
13. HAIR COLOUR: dark
15. SIBLINGS: one younger brother.
16. LAST CD YOU BOUGHT/BURNED: big black - "songs about fucking" and tarantula hawk - "self titled II".
17. LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN THE THEATRE: at this point i dont even remember.
18. LAST MOVIE YOU RENTED: *borrowed* requiem for a dream
19. FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL: art/ world history/ english
20. LEAST FAVOURITE SUBJECT: entirely relative...
22. WHO ARE YOUR BEST FRIENDS?: samantha is the only friend i have by choice.
24. DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND?: yes.
25. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH: crushing headache!
26. FAVOURITE MUSICIAN/S: *lately* SWANS, Godflesh, Anaal Nathrakh, Immortal, Hawkwind, Bastro, BL+D, Floor, Grief, Fugazi, Husker Du, Flaming lips, EyeHateGod.
27. FAVOURITE ACTRESS: jenna jameson [hah]
28. FAVOURITE ACTOR: gunnar hansen.
29. FAVOURITE MOVIE: Texas Chansaw Massacre.
30. FAVOURITE BOOK: the consumer, see a grown man cry, nine stories, lord of the rings.
31. FAVOURITE THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: exercise unhealthy coping skills.
32. FAVOURITE COLOUR: grey.
33. FAVOURITE COLLEGE TEAM: death to sports.
34. FAVOURITE STORE: aQuarius.
35. FAVOURITE FOOD: sushi, mexican, thai.
36. DO YOU DO ANY DRUGS?: no.
37. HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE ON YOUR BUDDY LIST?: 12.
38. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE SPORT?: shootfighting.
39. ARE YOU ON ANY SPORTS TEAM?: no.
40. MOST MEMORABLE EXPERIENCE: i live in a fog.
41. WHERE'S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO GO ON VACATION?: anywhere quiet.
42. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?: a plecostamus that lives in samanthas fish tank.
43. FAVOURITE SCARY MOVIE: Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
44. IF YOU ARE A GIRL, WHAT MAKEUP DO YOU WEAR?:
45. GUYS WITH OR WITHOUT HAT(s): i occasionally wear a bandana.
46. BEST NUMBER EVER: 42.
47. WORST FEAR: i'm not really afraid of anything anymore.
48. FAVOURITE DAY: the ones i sleep through.
49. BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: sleep.
50. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?: wakefulness.
52. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: maybe.
53. ABORTION: choose death.
54. TEENAGE SMOKING: i never did but whatever.
55. EATING DISORDERS: anorexia keeps me thin and sexy [hah].
56. STALKERS: im too ugly to be stalked.
57. ATHLETES: targets
58. MARILYN MANSON: thumbs down.
59. GUY BANDS: thumbs down.
60. DEATH: scream bloody gore.
61. SCHOOL: i miss it alot sometimes.
62. TITANIC: thumbs down.
63. JERRY SPRINGER: daytime tv = bad
66. SCHOOL VIOLENCE: Very very funny.
67. SOUTH PARK: i never watch tv anymore.
68. CHEATING: why bother.
69. PRE-MARITAL SEX: thumbs up
70. GOD: prove he's real.
--Omit crappy part--
94. DO YOU HAVE A JOB?: not right now fucking hrist
95. WHAT COLLEGE DO YOU GO TO OR WANT TO GO TO?: none
96. WHERE DO YOU LIVE: in the grave
97. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK: Nope.
98. ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING: not that i know of.
99. RELIGION: i dont need it.
100. DO YOU BELIEVE IN HEAVEN AND HELL?: No.
101. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ANGELS?: No.
102. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS?: No.
103. DO YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF?: No.
104. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED?: Time will tell.
105. WHAT DO YOU DO THAT MAKES YOUR FRIENDS MAD?: I have no friends.
106. ARE YOU MAD AT ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS?: see above.
108. DO YOU HAVE ANY BAD HABITS?: too many
109. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE RESTAURANT?: sam diegos
110. WHERE IS YOUR FAVOURITE HANGOUT?: Wherever.
111. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY KIND OF PET, WHAT WOULD IT BE?: A three toed sloth...
112. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?: my health.
113. WHAT IS THE MOST EMBARRASSING THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE?: too many to list.
114. POP/SODA?: soda
116. CHICKEN/TURKEY?: chicken
117. LOVE/LUST?: lust
118. WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT- FRIENDSHIPS or RELATIONSHIPS? Friendships.
119. HUGS OR KISSES: both.
121. CHOCOLATES OR FLOWERS: orchids
122. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE LOVE SONG: ex lover's lovers- voltaire.
127. HOW DO YOU PERSONALLY RATE YOUR BODY: rotting away.
129. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING AT THIS VERY MOMENT? numb aching drone.
131. ARE YOU A VEGETARIAN?: no.
132. FAVOURITE KINDS OF CLOTHES: cheap, baggy.
135. EVER BEEN TO A CONCERT?: Yes.
136. BEEN ON A PLANE?: Yeah.
137. WENT SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN: yes.
138. BEEN FLASHED: yes.
142. GONE SKINNY DIPPING: No.
143. CRIED IN PUBLIC: no.
144. LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: yeah.
147. GONE TO CHURCH: not since i was 4 or 5.
148. READ THE BIBLE: not until i developed my current fascination/ obsession with mythology.
149. WANTED TO DIE: often.
150. BOUGHT A CONDOM: yep.
151. BEEN HURT BY A GUY/GIRL YOU LOVED: yeah.
152. KILLED SOMEONE IN YOUR THOUGHTS: Constantly.
153. BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT: Several.
154. BEEN BEAT UP: yeah but not in a long time.
155. BEATEN UP SOMEONE: constantly.
158. SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: see japan.
159. WHO IS YOUR FAVOURITE PERSON TO TALK TO: Samantha, Yoda.
160. WHO IS YOUR FAVOURITE PERSON TO TALK TO ABOUT LIFE: samantha.
161. WHAT DO YOU HATE?: Almost everything.
163. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU SAID "I LOVE YOU" TO: samantha.
164. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON TO TELL YOU THAT THEY LOVE YOU: probably samantha.
|white noise/ black out/ head crash.
||[22 Dec 2002|08:49pm]
going to watch adam and nicks new band practice in a few days should be cool. its been a while since ive seen anyone else actually working on new music. they might let me grab a microphone and let loose some growls, it's their thing and im way out of practice as far as the deathgrowls go but it might be fun to get back to my "death metal" roots. i guess we'll see.
|be offended because i say gay too much.
||[22 Dec 2002|04:10pm]
1) Single or Taken: entombed
2) Sex: bored
3) Birthday: nov 09
4) Sign: scorpio
5) Siblings: one worthless brother
6) Hair color: dark brown/ Black
7) Eye color: Brown
8) height: 6'0"
R e l a t i o n s h i p s
1) Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: samantha
2) Whose your best friend/friends: friends are gay
F a s h i o n S t u f f
1) Where is your favorite place to shop?: aquarius records mailorder
2) Any tattoos or piercings?: yeah
T h e E x t r a S t u f f
1) Do you do drugs: No
2) What kind of shampoo do you use: whatever the person i am crashing with tends to have on hand at the moment
3) What are you most scared of: lately, resident evil zero.
4) What are you listening to right now: a demo of my friend adam's as yet un-named new band.
5) What vehicle do you wish to have?: the tank on the cover of panzer division marduk.
6) Who is the last person that called you: the homo
7) Where do you want to get married: death to love
8) How many messenger buddies do you have on right now: 2 of 12 both are away.
9) If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?: worst survey ever.
F a v o r i t e s
1) Color: grey
2) Whats your fav. food?: sushi.
4) Boy's names: iscariaah, demonaz.
5) Girls names: Girls don't need names other than slave [thanks wayne]
6) Subjects in school: english, art
7) Animals: the only thing i hate more is you.
8) Sports: homicide.
H a v e Y o u E v e r
1) Given anyone a bath: No
2) Smoked: no
3) Bungee jumped: no only true retards jump off anything higher than a sidewalk.
4) Broken the law: only once in the case of an emergency.
5) Made yourself throw-up: no
6) Went skinny dipping?: NO
7) Ever been in love: yes
8) Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: no
What C o m e s T o M i n d
3)Water: drowning your mom, homo.
4)Greenland: viking metal -I-
Just Q u e s t i o n s
1) Do you like filling these out: like surgery
4) Gold or Silver: platnium is the only real "bling"
5) What is the last film you saw at the movies: no idea, it's been that long.
6) Favorite cartoon character: moe syzlak [im probably not smart enough to spell that right]
7) What do you have for breakfast in the morning: nothing, i hate breakfast foods.
8) Who would you love being locked in a room with: samantha.
1. What do you most like about your body?: that its rotting away.
2. And least?: a woman thought this up didnt they.
3. How many fillings do you have?: raspberry filling
4. Do you think you're good looking?: DIE PLEASE! [again i defer to the mighty wayne!]
5. Do other people often tell you that you're good looking?: im a hit with the homeless insane
6. Do you look like any celebrities?: yeah the ones that have killed themselves via loaded shotgun + face trauma.
1. Do you wear a watch?: No
2. How many coats and jackets do you own?: st vitus hoodie, marduk hoodie, devourment hoodie, plain black hoodie [death to zippers!], leather jacket.
3. Favorite pants/skirt color?: camo, im tough!.
4. Most expensive item of clothing?: leather jacket
5. What kind of shoes do you wear?: newbalance, the #1 running shoe of the extremely elderly.
1. Do your friends 'know' you?: i dont know anyone.
2. What do they tend to be like?: imaginary
3. Are there traits in you that are universally liked?: No
4. How many people do you tell everything to?: im a hermit
MUSIC, TV, FILM & BOOKS:
1. Favorite band ever?: too many to list... marduk, swans, and discordance axis are among the true elite -I-
2. Most listened to bands: Lately it's Bloodbath, Naglfar, and early immortal.
3. Do you find any musicians good-looking?: GEN
4. Can you play an instrument?: noisy bass and screams
5. Type of music never listened to?: pointless question.
1. Who is the smartest man alive at the moment?: Steven Hawking
2. What do you prefer, a sunny or rainy day?: rain, im goth!
3. Do you consider yourself lucky?: well im not mohammed ali but then again i'm not george foreman either...
4. Do you feel pity for people who try to/commit suicide?: failure is for the weak, keep trying [suicide is for the true black elite -I-].
5. Choose one word to describe how you feel most often: headachy.
1. Do you own any plaid clothing?: Not on purpose
2. Do you own converse shoes?: No
3. Do you own saucony shoes?: No
4. Do you own old school nikes?: NO, ELITE NEWBALANCE ONLY!
5. Do you wear tight pants?: GOD NO
6. Is there more than one zipper in your pants?: DEATH TO ZIPPERS
7. Do you know what a squatter flap is?: hahaha -I-
8. Do you own a messenger bag?: yes i worked as a mesenger for a while...
9. Do you wear your messenger bag across your chest?: die.
10. Do you own braces?: ????
11. Are braces worn anywhere besides the mouth?: no
12. Do you have short, shaggy hair?: only because its not long enough yet.
13. Does your hairstyle exceed a height of 3 inches?: Style? DIE
14. Would you classify your hair as a deadly weapon?: soon.
15. Do you think mohawks are "neat"?: kill the gays.
16. Is your hair black or red?: closer to Black
17. Do you have a favorite brand of hair dye?: I'm not a fag
18. Do you own a bandana?: yes a blue one and a black one with an agathocles patch...
19. Do you wear plugs in your ears?: NO
20. Are you amused by safety pins?: DIE
21. Have you ever used duct tape as a sewing substitute?: im no crustie
22. Do you own one or more objects with studs or spikes in them?: my blackmetal gauntlets ahahahaha.
23. Do you own one or more articles of clothing from dogpile, lip service, or tiger of london?: where now?
24. Do you enjoy leopard print?: No
25. Are you disgruntled?: misogynistic would be more appropriate.
26. Are you an anarchist?: i am the void
27. Does the American flag anger you?: it burns just fine
28. Are you "working class"?: I'm unemployed -I-
29. Do you dislike "preps"?: i dislike humans
30. Do you dislike Hot Topic?: HOT TOPIC IS FOR 16 YEAR OLD DYKES.
31. Do you smoke cigarettes?: No
32. Do you smoke cloves?: No
33. Are you a thin waif?: i am a viking
34. Are you vegan/vegetarian?: carnivore
35. Do you think meat is murder?: when i eat meat i like to pretend im eating the animal's soul.
38. Have you ever gone a week without a shower?: ive gone a month -I- HAIL ME!
39. Have you ever been avoided due to your odor?: yes, but being covered in my own blood is the more common source of avoidance.
40. Do you know who Jack Kerouac is?: Yeah
41. Do you like Mr. Kerouac?: he was a pussy.
42. Are you a member of the makeout club?: Username: xdronecrusherx
43. Do you say "rad"?: Yes i also say DIE!
---> Your heritage: abysmal
---> The shoes you wore today: ask about my shoes again and die
---> Your weakness?: inverted crucifixion
---> Your fears: dre day.
---> Your perfect pizza: bbq chicken
---> One thing you'd like to achieve: Death
---> Your most overused phrase on aol\aim: LOL
---> Your thoughts first waking up: into the grave.
---> The first feature you notice in the opposite (or same) sex: the pitch of their screams.
---> Your best physical features: defense mechanisms, corpsepaint.
---> Your usual bedtime: i sleep?!?!
---> Your greatest accomplishment: Nothing
---> Your best memory: almost falling to my death.
---> Want to go to college: no
---> Like high school: i miss being lazy
---> Want kids: No
---> Type with your fingers on the right keys: i type with my bionic COCK
---> Believe in yourself: no
---> Get motion sickness: NO
---> Think you're attractive: NO
---> Think you're a health freak: hail wendys
---> Get along with your parents: family is useless.
---> Like thunderstorms: yes
---> Played a game that required removal of clothing?: No my clothes dont come off.
---> Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: No
---> Been caught "doing something": no i have been motionless since i was born
---> Been called a tease: have you ever been called a fag?
---> Gotten beaten up: Not without sending someone to the hospital first.
---> Shoplifted: No
---> If so, did you get caught: Shut up
---> Changed who you were to fit in: No
---> Numbers and Names of Children: Zero
---> Describe your Dream Wedding: being shot out of a cannon at the object of my desire
---> What age do you want to die: 666
---> What do you want to be when you grow up: leviathan
---> What country would you most like to visit: obviously NORWAY
---> Current Clothes: marduk hoodie, eternal suffering shirt, camo shorts,
---> Current Hair: Messy
---> Current Annoyance: ears being fucked up again
---> Current Smell: cooking in the other room
---> Current thing you ought to be doing: Sleeping
---> Current Desktop Picture: agoraphobic nosebleed "honky reduction"
---> Current Worry: that you wont DIE.
||[21 Dec 2002|08:27pm]
i'm fucking sick of christmas.
i really dont have any words left, im exhausted. christmas isnt coming this year except for the cd samantha got for me [immortal "diabolical fullmoon mysticism" i cant believe i found that classic used -I-]. i feel so fucking useless, i couldnt afford anything special for her. it's not that holidays mean anything to me anymore but i guess i miss a time when they did. none of this makes any sense, sorry.
||[21 Dec 2002|04:08pm]
so i traded in the abortion-given-life that was my ps2 and used the credit to buy "Resident Evil zero" and "Mortal Kombat: deadly alliance" merry christmas to me. i was never a MK fan but what the hell its been getting amazing reviews and so far it's fun if somewhat sloppy. resident evil is of course terrifying and over the top visually.
||[20 Dec 2002|08:47am]
Avoid the mirror lest I break it.
With the stone that serves as my heart.
Accept this pretty package named friend.
Except this it entails love.
Not so attractive anymore.
Accept this pretty package named friend.
Except that it entails love.
It’s never as pretty as it seems and now it never was at all.
No it never was.
All I asked was to be important.
All I wanted was someone to trust
In my eternal scheme, your act of friendship means nothing.
Friendships are weak and nothing is dear to me
Acquaintance stole my confidence.
Left me with myself and laughed as it walked away
I refuse to be your tolerance, I will not be your embarrassment.
I'm not so attractive any more.
Take this burden away.
I can only stand in front of a broken mirror for so long
Staring at the reflection of failed attempts at love and a black heart.
My heart, once nourished with hope and compassion, now is black as death.
Trudging forward, broken, devoid of love
I am nothing more than scars.
||[19 Dec 2002|09:45am]
im feeling exhaustion set in again but i dont think i'm going to be able to sleep. bummed out and sore. having the weird "lightning" effect when i close my eyes. i guess it's time to lay down again and contemplate my next move.
|three year suicide.
||[19 Dec 2002|07:05am]
finally, finally, finally slept even though i had one of those crazy dreams where you feel like youre lying in bed unable to sleep the only thing that tipped me off was that in the "dream" there was a window on the wall by the big cabinets near the foot of the couch and in real life there is no such window [oh and my shearing fatigue induced leg pain has been reduce to a dull ache] im going to try to get a little more sleep today unless something important comes up. pointless ha! samantha came by last night and we talked for a long time, i miss her so bad it makes me nauseous and the fact i have nothing to keep my mind off her but a guitar, a 4 track, and college radio isnt helping... though it is lendng to writing some really gloomy sad-pop tunes [think: slint, iran, etc.]
in other news i picked up a copy of that butthole surfers cd and it's wonderful even if it didnt restore my life to peace and normalcy. ive noticed people look at me like im nuts when i mention that i like that band but then again most people dont realize that back in the early 80's they were the craziest noisiest probably heaviest band on earth.
sean [yoda] is going to be back in town for a few days and hopefully i'll be able to catch up with him for a few days, going to call and leave him my new number in a few minutes. it sucks when the best friend you've ever had lives half the fucking world away.
|i know its over.
||[18 Dec 2002|08:51am]
thought id add that exhaustion abso-fucking-lutely sucks especially when there is no chance of getting any sleep in the immediate future. the muscles in my legs feel like theyre full of glass slivers from going and going and going for so long. almost had some sort of breakdown in the coffeeshop this morning, knocked my cup over and started laughing hysterically drawing stares from every person in the place. i'm cracking up. i wonder how may people have actually died from lack of sleep?
|the only one hurt tonight [aka: the hell out of dodge]
||[18 Dec 2002|06:58am]
send money... i need to be on a bus to cali by sundown tomorrow elswise i'm looking at the very real possibility of freezing to death. today will be spent contacting old friends and essentially begging for as much money as they can spare which i'll repay once i get on my feet out west. ideally i'd like to have at least 600 bucks cash after i pay for my ticket but given the situation that seems fairly unrealistic.
funny the shit the mind fixates on in times of crisis. there is a butthole surfers cd ["humpty dumpty LSD" a collection of their really old noisy drunk and drugged up stuff circa probably 82-85] that i "need" and im about 6 bucks short of having enough. as if i would somehow get this cd and magically the angels would sing and my life would be restored to happiness and peace.
|heeeeeeeeey, thats great.
||[17 Dec 2002|05:40pm]
there may be a lack of updates for a while in that as of tonight i may not have a place to stay and thus no life giving internet. any of you who care to reach me contact throneofashes via AIM and ask for her for my number. i'll eventually get any messages you leave.
nothing else going on, scrambling like an ant under a magnifying glass looking for a new place to stay. wish me luck.
|hit me in the face with a hammer.
||[17 Dec 2002|02:30pm]
so im awake, to fill in blanks created by other entries: ive had less than six hours sleep in the past week, my head is all congested and feels much like it is filled in with cement, and i think i'm slowly creeping toward insanity. i need sleep, real REM sleep, i need love [despite the fact i am a total fucking cynic it would be nice to get some positive attention and be all "love and puppies" and snuggling up and falling asleep together until it all fell apart into glorious ruin (yeesh, i sound like fucking morissey)] or just really good sex. FINALLY managed to score a copy of the new cathedral cd which is good but it's going to take a while for me to fully come to terms that theyre never going to sound quite like "forest of equilibrium" ever again [i for one miss the flutes!]. other than that i am "living day to day" looking for a new place to stay, a new job, whatever. im going to shut up before i sound even more emo.
oh and i got my flaming lips box back from my closeted homo friend.
|people keep sending me these dumb things.
||[17 Dec 2002|07:19am]
currently in the cd player: [over the past day or two]
human remains "where were you when"
the smiths "the queen is dead"
drive like jehu "yank crime"
satyricon "nemesis divina"
anal cunt "morbid florist"
cathedral "forest of equilibrium"
napalm death "fear emptiness despair"
last five cds you purchased:
[i only remember the last three]
drive like jehu "yank crime"
napalm death "fear emptiness despair"
theory of ruin "counterculture nosebleed"
[hopefully picking up the new cathedral disc "VIIth coming" today]
last thing you ate:
stop n' shop chicken nuggets 
what are you wearing:
plain black hooded sweatshirt. [death to zippers]
scattered remnants longlseeve [hah! im old-school]
baggy black cargo shorts
fruity colored boxers
black "crew knit" socks
black/ grey newbalance mesh running shoes [worn out]
plans for today:
finding a new job
perhaps going to visit jeremy at work.
perhaps slipping into some REM state sleep.
|asleep at the wheel
||[17 Dec 2002|01:13am]
blah got a little bit of sleep but not nearly enough. hit the record store in hopes of finding the new cathedral disc which they had but it was a 19$ import so i decided to just wait and order it from aQ after the holidays. picked up the reissue of Drive Like Jehu's "yank crime" [because i missed out on the original pressing as i was approximately 14 when it was released and its been out of print for about a decade now.] instead as well as a cheap napalm death cd they had used. wasted the next few hours driving around with the closet monster and eventually wound up by the beach where i watched it storm while listening to beethoven on NPR.
||[16 Dec 2002|12:30am]
so i gave up. crashed out after about 3pm for a few hours with the help of a fistful of codeine two valium and half a bottle of nyquil. for all intents and puropses i should be dead now yet i managed only a meager five hours of rest before waking up and having another blowout with samantha. the knowledge my current behavior is pointless isnt doing much to dissuade me. i'm leaving as soon as i have the finances in place to grab a oneway greyhound ticket to somewhere. everything is my fault but i can cling to distance making everything ok like a fucking talisman.
||[15 Dec 2002|11:20am]
the day drags on. ramleh are trying to kill me with their mind-and-speaker shredding feedback. seriously, their "complete singles 90-95" collection has to be one of the best records ever compiled. i have no idea what i'm doing for the rest of today... i would literally commit murder for taco bell [specifically, a fajita grilled stuffed burrito] at the moment, jeremy may or may not show up sometime, samantha is going out with steve [of course] and it looks like i'll be home alone all day working on reviews. hopefully after today my sleep cycle will be shocked into a somewhat "normal" rhythm.
||[15 Dec 2002|08:55am]
"woke up" with alot on my mind so i took a walk of considerable distance and returned home a few hours later with a bloody ankle and just as much on my mind. i want to leave, right now and not look back despite the fact i have no place in particular to go. LIVE a LIFE instead of dreaming about one, some bizzare hybrid of ON THE ROAD and EVASION but a life of my OWN instead of slowly wasting away, full of danger and adventure and love and hate and cold and hunger and humidity instead of climate controled boredom and outright screaming frustration. maybe i'll wander around overseas and fall in love with a beautiful nurse and fight in a revolution and win fame and fortune and give it all up to go back to wandering... who knows maybe itll be more mundane but i'll see the world and make my life a movie i wouldnt mind seeing.
|ra at dusk
||[15 Dec 2002|05:38am]
amazing, its 5am again and i've been up working on reviews all night. apparently i have plans tomorrow with jeremy that i was never informed of... so ill be exhausted and grumpy when he shows up if i even wake up at all. i'm sick of my days lasting 36+ hours between periods of sleep. i really have to type up the questions for the interview with skye [HALO] and get that shit done with but i'm almost afraid to email him. after that i have to get the FFlint feature done with and the next issue of sarin is ready to be sent out. someone motivate me. its not getting done otherwise.
|monument to time wasted
||[14 Dec 2002|04:37am]
01. Full Birth Name: matthew bryan bell
02. Hair Colour: dark brown/ black
03. Eye Color: dark
04. Height Currently: 6'0
05. Glasses/contacts: should have glasses but i lost them
06. Birthdate: nov 09, 1981
07. StarSign: scorpio
08. Current Age: 21
09. Location: rockland ma
10. College Plans: none
11. Piercings? septum
01. Best Friends: none
02. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: i dont know anymore
03. Current Crush: die
04. Hobbies: metal, chewing
05. Are You Center Of Attention Or Wallflower: wallflower
06. Are You Timely Or Always Late: usually early
07. Do You Have A Job: a fake one
08. Do You Like Being Around People: i am socially retarded
01. Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: yes
02. Have You Ever Cried Over Something Someone of The Opposite Sex Did: yes
03. Do You Have A "Type" Of Person You Always Go After: no
04. Want Someone You Don't Have Right Now: yes.
05. Ever Liked a close Guy/Girl Friend: yes
06. Are You Lonely Right Now: i dont know
07. Ever Afraid You'll Never Get Married: no, i hope i dont.
08. Do You Want To Get Married: no
09. Do You Want Kids: no
Who Do You Think Of When you Hear These Names:
Shawn/Sean: yoda, my bestfriend before he ran off to LA
Steve: my former boss
Bobby: robert my "father"
Elizabeth: liz from sourvein for some reason
01. Room In house: none
02. Type of music: sludge/ grind.
03. Song: lately sunn0))) "bow parts I and II"
04. Memory: breaking every bone in my body and almost dying. [better luck next time]
05. Day Of The Week: none
06. Color: grey
07. Perfume Or Cologne: samantha made me wear CK one
08. Flower: orchids
09. Month: january/ febuary
10. Season: Autumn
11. Place to be kissed: nowhere
12. Location for dates: nowhere
IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU:
01. Cried: no
02. Bought Something: no
03. Gotten Sick: no
04. Sang: yes
05. Said I Love You: i dont think so
06. Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them, But Didn't: yes
07. Met Someone New: no
08. Moved On: no
09. Talked To Someone: yes
10. Had A Serious Talk: no
11. Missed Someone: yes
12. Hugged Someone: no
13. Kissed Someone: no
14. Fought With Your Parents: no
15. Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: no
16. Had a lot of sleep: christ no
17. Wanted This Survey To Be Over: die